"Yes, Minister" Move Over: "En Attendant Minister" Sont Arrivés
Every Friday, we put out a satirical press release. This week is: Absurdist Theatre Meets New Zealand Politics as Rights Aotearoa CEO Waits 85 Days for Nothing - Twice.
Franz Kafka International Airport Wellington (AFP): In a plot twist worthy of Samuel Beckett, Rights Aotearoa CEO Paul Thistoll has discovered that waiting 85 days for a ministerial response produces exactly the same result as Waiting for Godot: nothing happens, twice.
"We've moved beyond 'Yes, Minister' into pure existential farce," said Thistoll. "At least Sir Humphrey would have crafted an eloquent non-answer. Minister van Velden simply directed me to stare at the same black redaction boxes I was trying to see behind."
Act I: The Request
Scene: A hopeful human rights advocate requests a simple summary of how the government assessed human rights implications of the Equal Pay Act changes affecting 210,000 women.
The obstacle: The entire human rights section of the Cabinet paper is redacted under "legal professional privilege."
The reasonable expectation: Per Ombudsman precedent, a summary should be provided when privilege is claimed.
Act II: The Wait
Days 1-20: The statutory period expires. Silence.
Days 21-60: Extended silence. Perhaps the Minister is crafting a comprehensive response?
Days 61-84: The silence becomes deafening. Has the Minister's office achieved a state of pure non-existence?
Day 85: A response arrives! Hope springs eternal!
Act III: The Reveal
The Minister's response: "Please refer to the publicly available MBIE documents."
The problem: These are the exact documents containing the redactions that prompted the request.
The result: 85 days to receive directions to look at what Thistoll was already looking at.
"It's beautiful in its absurdity," Thistoll reflected. "Beckett couldn't have written it better. Two characters waiting for meaning that never arrives, trapped in an endless loop of administrative nothingness."
The Reviews Are In
★★★★★ "A masterpiece of bureaucratic minimalism" – The Dom Post
★★★★★ "Makes Kafka look optimistic" – Rolling Stone
★★★★★ "Even less fun than the GFC" – WSJ
★★★★★ "I laughed, I cried, I filed an Ombudsman complaint" – OIA Weekly
Critical Acclaim for Minister van Velden's Performance
The Minister's interpretation of the "silent protagonist" has been praised for its commitment to the role. Not since Marcel Marceau has an official said so little while taking so long to say it.
Forthcoming Sequel: "En Attendant Ombudsman"
With complaint reference 025042 now active, audiences can expect a thrilling second act where our protagonist attempts to break free from the circular logic that has trapped him.
Spoiler alert: The Ombudsman has actual enforcement powers.
Tickets Now on Sale
For those wishing to experience this bureaucratic theatre firsthand, simply submit an OIA request about anything substantive. Tickets are free, but the cost to democracy is mounting.
Performance times: Whenever the Minister feels like it (statutory timeframes not guaranteed)
Runtime: 85 days minimum
Language: English, with extensive redactions
For interviews about this absurdist masterpiece, contact:
Paul Thistoll
Chief Executive Officer, Rights Aotearoa
Email: paul@rightsaotearoa.nz
"In the end, we are all just waiting for transparency that never comes."
FOOTNOTE FOR THEATRE CRITICS
Unlike Godot, ministerial accountability is supposed to actually exist. The Equal Pay Act amendments affect real women's real wages. Behind the absurdist humour lies a serious question: How can democracy function when ministers take three months to provide non-answers to legitimate questions about human rights?
As Beckett might have asked: "Shall we go?" "Yes, let's go." [They do not move.]
ENDS